Thursday, September 9, 2010


there are lots and lots of things that i really miss about my mama. some obviously really big things, like the love that only a mother can have for her children, but it seems like the things that i miss the most are the little things. like being able to pick up the phone and call to tell her a funny story. or her laughter.
anyone who knew my mama knew she LOVED to laugh. and she had a quite distinctive laugh. you could easily pick her out in a room of 100 people by her loud, uncontrollable, contagious laughter. i really miss that. i miss how she could so easily get so cracked up- and laugh until she cried. i miss her sense of humor, because the older i get the more i realize just how similar my sense of humor is/was (never sure of the correct tense to use when i talk about mama, the past tense just seems so...strange) to hers. one of my favorite memories of mama that so accurately reflects her love to laugh and have fun happened during her first chemo treatment. i was at school and her and dad were off for the marathon day of blood work, counts, accessing the port, fluids, benadryl, chemo drugs, anti nausea meds, ect... i assumed she'd be scared, probably a little depressed, and sick. i was at school, and about an hour into treatment, i get a picture text from mama. it is of the man that is sitting across from her in the chemo room... not a little man, but a rather large man, completely passed out, sleeping like a baby...with his big, white, hairy belly hanging out. mama's message "see what you are missing out on? wish you could hear him snore."
she refused to be discouraged by her treatment, and instead was looking for ways to laugh and have fun, even at poor sleeping chemo mans expense. :) it became a common theme of chemo days, always waiting for either a picture or a phone call of the interesting people at the oncologists office.

what i'd give for one more text from my mama, or just to hear the sound of her laughter again.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is the way long?" she asked. "Yes, and the way is hard, and you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning." But the young mother was happy, and she would not belive that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams, and the sun shown on them, and life was good. And the mother cried, "Nothing will ever be better than this." Then night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold. The mother drew them close to her, and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother you are near, and we are not afraid." And the mother said, "This is better than the light of day, for I have taught my children courage."
The morning came and there was a hill ahead and the children climbed and grew weary, but at all times she said to her children, "A little patience and we are there." And when they reached the top they said, "Mother we could not have done it without you ." When she lay down that night the mother looked at the stars and said, "This day is better than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday, I gave them courage , and today I gave them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth. Clouds of war, hate, and evil. The children groped and stumbled. The mother said, "Look up, lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked up and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory. It guided them and brought them beyond the darkness. That night the mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."
And the days went on, the weeks and the months and the years. The mother grew old and she was bent, but her children were tall and stong and walked with courage. When the way was hard, they helped their mother and when the way was rough, they lifted her. At last they came to a hill and beyond they could see a shining road and the golden gates flung wide. The mother said, " I have reached the end of my journey and now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them." Her children said, "You will always walk with us Mother, even when you have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as she went on alone and the gates closed after her. They said, " We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory, she will always be a living presence.

mama, thank you for teaching me how to walk with courage, for giving me strength, and most of all, for showing me god. i don't always feel like i'm capable of wakling alone, but i'm reminded that you are always with me, and that your life serves as a guide when it seems like i cannot take another step.