Saturday, February 12, 2011

perfect power in weakness

I've been really blessed them semester to have a chance to meet weekly with a dear friend and woman of God who has committed to mentor me over the course of the semester. In our time last week, I was expressing some of my feelings of inadequacy in some of the opportunities that the Lord has presented me with recently. I was just sharing how I know God has given me some great opportunities to minister to others and to grow myself, but I just feel like I may not be ready, or have the right words to say, or be able to handle the responsibility. God, am I really the best person for this?

I caught the tail end of a radio interview this afternoon, and the DJ was interviewing David Crowder. He asked how he felt about the huge opportunity he had been given in his career to stand before so many people. His response- that he felt inadequate. He went on to say that he truly believes that it is only when we are aware of our limitations that God can use us to our fullest potential. The whole upside down kingdom notion, when I am weak, he is strong. My mind jumped to 2 Corinthians 12:9- My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. This has been a real favorite verse over the past year or so, and hearing that interview and being reminded of that verse brought a real sense of peace to my heart. It is so true that it is really only in our weakness that we are fully aware of the power of God. It's also true that the Lord's grace is sufficient. I don't think I ever really grasped what genuine faith and true dependence on God looked like until there was a time in my life when I was too weak to make it on my own, and I had to rely on my faith and trust in the Lord. Because I am weak, I have gotten to see the Lord's power in my life. I have gotten to see how faithful He is, how He provides for us, how His love is never ending. And now, the Lord is choosing to use me, in spite of my weakness, to make his power known. I hope that I am always able to see my own weakness, so that I may truly know his power.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

long time, no blog

So I have been really, really, inconsistent in blogging or even journaling latley. But I've also had a lot on my mind latley...

Last Thursday marked two years since we got mom's cancer diagnosis. Two years. That's a long time. It's wierd how the passage of time works. In some ways, that day seems like it was an eternity ago, but in others, it seems like it was only yesterday. It seems like forever ago because so much has changed in two years. Seems like only yesterday because I can replay that conversation with my mama over and over again in my head, I can relive all those emotions, I can remember exactly where I was, what she said, that long walk across campus crying because my life had just been turned upside down. It's strange to me the array of emotions that accompany anniversaries. It seems like there are so many little dates that always manage to stir up emotion like nothing else can. The 2 year anniversary of her diagnosis was one of those emotion stirring days, or really, weeks. I probably sang the Steven Curtis Chapman song Our God is in Control 100 times in my head last week. My favorite verse and mantra for the week-"This is not where we planned to be when we started this journey, but this is where we are and our God is in control. Though this first taste is bitter, there will be sweetness forever when we finally taste and see that our God is in control." I don't think I ever imagined when mama called to tell me that she had cancer that we would lose her 8 short months later. I was faced with her mortality, but I still somehow felt like there was no way God would actually let my mama die. My prayer journal is filled with repeated prayers- please, just don't let my mama die. I knew on Feb 3 2009 that God had started us on a journey, but I sure didn't know what the outcome would be. Where we are today is certainly not where we planned to be. However, our God is in control. He is, He is, He is. No matter how hard it is to believe, or understand, or accept, its the truth, its our hope, its what will turn the bitterness into sweetness.