today marks the one year anniversary of mom's death. it seems so very strange that she's been gone for a whole year. there a lot of things i could say about the past year, but really i can just sum it up by saying that its been full of lots of ups and downs, but through them all god has been faithful. i'd be lying if i told you that i'd always trusted god, that i'd always been okay with his plan, or that i've always felt like he was in control or that he wants the best for me. i've not been a perfect christian by any means, there has been a lot of anger, a lot of questioning, some biterness...but he has been so faithful to love me regardless.
i've had this song in my mind all day. it's by steven curtis chapman, on a cd called beauty will rise. he wrote the songs for this cd after his young daughter was killed in an accident. all of the songs have such a powerful message and speak so much truth, but this has been my song for today-
It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope:
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning... in the morning, beauty will rise
So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe for you.
Cuz I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see:
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning... in the morning...
I can hear it in the distance and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away,
and say, "It's time to make everything new."
i could comment on every single line of this song, i love it. i love how wonderfully it puts into words things that i can't describe. i'm really thankful for the hope that i have in christ, as my pastor said this week "our hope is real, an anchor of the soul, sure and steadfast." there were a lot of times in the beginning that i didn't feel so hopeful. but i can say, that today, one year later, even in the midst of a really hard day and a lot of pain, i'm secure in my hope. in my hope that i'll see my mama again, my hope that god will use this for his glory, my hope of salvation, my hope in god's faithfulness....i could go on and on.
i am really looking foward to the day when i can feel the hand of god wiping all the tears away, when he says "it's time to make all things new."
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
just as i am
i had a little meeting with one of my campus ministers this morning. it consisted of a lot of crying, a long and warm embrace, her sharing some truth with me, and a converstaion with the father on my behalf. a lot of our time together in the past year has been spent this way.
yesterday, i had a melt down. out of the blue, nothing to trigger it, just started crying with no end in sight. let myself cry for a little bit, then sent the infamous chocolate text to britt. in less than 2 min, she was in the bed with me, with a whole bag of chocolate. because like any goodgirlfriend, britt knows that chocolate makes EVERYTHING better.
got to have dinner with a precious friend last night. she picked me up, i got in the car and said "its been one of those weeks." she smiled, knowing exactly what i meant, and what i needed.
spent some sweet time tonight sharing my burdened heart with my bible study group, 6 sorority sisters who know my story as well as anyone, but listened as if it were the first time they'd heard it.
i'm so thankful for the people in my life who accept me just as i am. it's not always pretty. quite often, its downright ugly. but i'm blessed to have a network of family, friends, and mentors who have been there for the long haul, who have not only accepted me, but loved me and been there to support me through it all, no matter what state i'm in.
what a beautiful reflection of the love that our father has for us. just as i am- my god loves me, cares for me, and provides for me. i'm not always faithful, or loving toward him, but he is. he lavishes me with his provision and goodness, even when i am too angry or broken to see it.
yesterday, i had a melt down. out of the blue, nothing to trigger it, just started crying with no end in sight. let myself cry for a little bit, then sent the infamous chocolate text to britt. in less than 2 min, she was in the bed with me, with a whole bag of chocolate. because like any goodgirlfriend, britt knows that chocolate makes EVERYTHING better.
got to have dinner with a precious friend last night. she picked me up, i got in the car and said "its been one of those weeks." she smiled, knowing exactly what i meant, and what i needed.
spent some sweet time tonight sharing my burdened heart with my bible study group, 6 sorority sisters who know my story as well as anyone, but listened as if it were the first time they'd heard it.
i'm so thankful for the people in my life who accept me just as i am. it's not always pretty. quite often, its downright ugly. but i'm blessed to have a network of family, friends, and mentors who have been there for the long haul, who have not only accepted me, but loved me and been there to support me through it all, no matter what state i'm in.
what a beautiful reflection of the love that our father has for us. just as i am- my god loves me, cares for me, and provides for me. i'm not always faithful, or loving toward him, but he is. he lavishes me with his provision and goodness, even when i am too angry or broken to see it.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
october
i've never experienced anything quite as difficult or unpredictable as grief. there were days in the beginning where i literally hurt so badly that i could not get out of bed. there were moments when i would sob uncontrollably. there were moments, and eventually days and then weeks when i could function as if nothing had ever happened. my grief was so intense those first few months after the shock and numbeness wore off. but eventually, like everyone promised, time began to heal. and then there were whole days where i could go without crying. and then weeks, and then recently, a few whole months were i felt really normal and in control of my emotions. like my life had a new sense of normalcy, that was different, but not so bad.
and then, one morning, i woke up and it was october.
i woke up one day, and was fine. and then, i woke up the next, and there was grief, like a heavy cloak hanging over my body, stealing my energy, my ability to focus. the queasy sick feeling, constantly. the heart that felt like it may beat out of my chest at any moment. the whole in my heart that i thought was on the mend, ripped back open. it's crazy how the month on the calendar can be so linked to my emotional well being. but it is.
i can't believe that it is already october, that it will soon have been a year since my mom made that journey from earth to eternity. this time last year, the lord was at work eerily preparing my heart for what was to come. i had conversations with three separate people, in which they all asked "so have you been told your mom's cancer is terminal?" i hadn't been told this, but the lord knew, and he was at work preparing me for what was to come.
this time last year i was having my last phone conversations with mom, which were short and less frequent than i would have prefered, because the cancer was overtaking her body and stealing her life. this time last year i was trying to decide what to do for family weekend, not knowing that it would all be decided for me. i was struggling with whether i needed to be at home or at school, i was quite frankly pretty miserable.
i can't believe its been a year.
and then, one morning, i woke up and it was october.
i woke up one day, and was fine. and then, i woke up the next, and there was grief, like a heavy cloak hanging over my body, stealing my energy, my ability to focus. the queasy sick feeling, constantly. the heart that felt like it may beat out of my chest at any moment. the whole in my heart that i thought was on the mend, ripped back open. it's crazy how the month on the calendar can be so linked to my emotional well being. but it is.
i can't believe that it is already october, that it will soon have been a year since my mom made that journey from earth to eternity. this time last year, the lord was at work eerily preparing my heart for what was to come. i had conversations with three separate people, in which they all asked "so have you been told your mom's cancer is terminal?" i hadn't been told this, but the lord knew, and he was at work preparing me for what was to come.
this time last year i was having my last phone conversations with mom, which were short and less frequent than i would have prefered, because the cancer was overtaking her body and stealing her life. this time last year i was trying to decide what to do for family weekend, not knowing that it would all be decided for me. i was struggling with whether i needed to be at home or at school, i was quite frankly pretty miserable.
i can't believe its been a year.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
laugher
there are lots and lots of things that i really miss about my mama. some obviously really big things, like the love that only a mother can have for her children, but it seems like the things that i miss the most are the little things. like being able to pick up the phone and call to tell her a funny story. or her laughter.
anyone who knew my mama knew she LOVED to laugh. and she had a quite distinctive laugh. you could easily pick her out in a room of 100 people by her loud, uncontrollable, contagious laughter. i really miss that. i miss how she could so easily get so cracked up- and laugh until she cried. i miss her sense of humor, because the older i get the more i realize just how similar my sense of humor is/was (never sure of the correct tense to use when i talk about mama, the past tense just seems so...strange) to hers. one of my favorite memories of mama that so accurately reflects her love to laugh and have fun happened during her first chemo treatment. i was at school and her and dad were off for the marathon day of blood work, counts, accessing the port, fluids, benadryl, chemo drugs, anti nausea meds, ect... i assumed she'd be scared, probably a little depressed, and sick. i was at school, and about an hour into treatment, i get a picture text from mama. it is of the man that is sitting across from her in the chemo room... not a little man, but a rather large man, completely passed out, sleeping like a baby...with his big, white, hairy belly hanging out. mama's message "see what you are missing out on? wish you could hear him snore."
she refused to be discouraged by her treatment, and instead was looking for ways to laugh and have fun, even at poor sleeping chemo mans expense. :) it became a common theme of chemo days, always waiting for either a picture or a phone call of the interesting people at the oncologists office.
what i'd give for one more text from my mama, or just to hear the sound of her laughter again.
anyone who knew my mama knew she LOVED to laugh. and she had a quite distinctive laugh. you could easily pick her out in a room of 100 people by her loud, uncontrollable, contagious laughter. i really miss that. i miss how she could so easily get so cracked up- and laugh until she cried. i miss her sense of humor, because the older i get the more i realize just how similar my sense of humor is/was (never sure of the correct tense to use when i talk about mama, the past tense just seems so...strange) to hers. one of my favorite memories of mama that so accurately reflects her love to laugh and have fun happened during her first chemo treatment. i was at school and her and dad were off for the marathon day of blood work, counts, accessing the port, fluids, benadryl, chemo drugs, anti nausea meds, ect... i assumed she'd be scared, probably a little depressed, and sick. i was at school, and about an hour into treatment, i get a picture text from mama. it is of the man that is sitting across from her in the chemo room... not a little man, but a rather large man, completely passed out, sleeping like a baby...with his big, white, hairy belly hanging out. mama's message "see what you are missing out on? wish you could hear him snore."
she refused to be discouraged by her treatment, and instead was looking for ways to laugh and have fun, even at poor sleeping chemo mans expense. :) it became a common theme of chemo days, always waiting for either a picture or a phone call of the interesting people at the oncologists office.
what i'd give for one more text from my mama, or just to hear the sound of her laughter again.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
The young mother set her foot on the path of life. "Is the way long?" she asked. "Yes, and the way is hard, and you will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end will be better than the beginning." But the young mother was happy, and she would not belive that anything could be better than these years. So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams, and the sun shown on them, and life was good. And the mother cried, "Nothing will ever be better than this." Then night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold. The mother drew them close to her, and covered them with her mantle, and the children said, "Mother you are near, and we are not afraid." And the mother said, "This is better than the light of day, for I have taught my children courage."
The morning came and there was a hill ahead and the children climbed and grew weary, but at all times she said to her children, "A little patience and we are there." And when they reached the top they said, "Mother we could not have done it without you ." When she lay down that night the mother looked at the stars and said, "This day is better than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday, I gave them courage , and today I gave them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth. Clouds of war, hate, and evil. The children groped and stumbled. The mother said, "Look up, lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked up and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory. It guided them and brought them beyond the darkness. That night the mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."
And the days went on, the weeks and the months and the years. The mother grew old and she was bent, but her children were tall and stong and walked with courage. When the way was hard, they helped their mother and when the way was rough, they lifted her. At last they came to a hill and beyond they could see a shining road and the golden gates flung wide. The mother said, " I have reached the end of my journey and now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them." Her children said, "You will always walk with us Mother, even when you have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as she went on alone and the gates closed after her. They said, " We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory, she will always be a living presence.
mama, thank you for teaching me how to walk with courage, for giving me strength, and most of all, for showing me god. i don't always feel like i'm capable of wakling alone, but i'm reminded that you are always with me, and that your life serves as a guide when it seems like i cannot take another step.
The morning came and there was a hill ahead and the children climbed and grew weary, but at all times she said to her children, "A little patience and we are there." And when they reached the top they said, "Mother we could not have done it without you ." When she lay down that night the mother looked at the stars and said, "This day is better than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday, I gave them courage , and today I gave them strength."
And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth. Clouds of war, hate, and evil. The children groped and stumbled. The mother said, "Look up, lift your eyes to the light." And the children looked up and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory. It guided them and brought them beyond the darkness. That night the mother said, "This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God."
And the days went on, the weeks and the months and the years. The mother grew old and she was bent, but her children were tall and stong and walked with courage. When the way was hard, they helped their mother and when the way was rough, they lifted her. At last they came to a hill and beyond they could see a shining road and the golden gates flung wide. The mother said, " I have reached the end of my journey and now I know that the end is better than the beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them." Her children said, "You will always walk with us Mother, even when you have gone through the gates." And they stood and watched her as she went on alone and the gates closed after her. They said, " We cannot see her, but she is with us still. A Mother like ours is more than a memory, she will always be a living presence.
mama, thank you for teaching me how to walk with courage, for giving me strength, and most of all, for showing me god. i don't always feel like i'm capable of wakling alone, but i'm reminded that you are always with me, and that your life serves as a guide when it seems like i cannot take another step.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
good versus better
there are things that are good for us, and things that are better for us. i was reminded of this fact by our amazing campus minister during the freshmen worship service that i got to attend on sunday morning as a connections leader. matt discussed wisdom, and how important it was to seek wisdom in making the choices that we are sure to encounter. i especially liked when he said that sometimes its not about making decisions about what is right or wrong- but deciding between things that are good for us and better for us. my decision to be at school is one of those types of decisions. as much as i love samford- the campus, the friends, the community, the sorority, the professors, and even most of the classes, it is always so hard to be at peace about being here instead of being home with my family. i've had an amazing little over a week back. i was able to be a connections leader (meaning i had a group of 15 freshman that i lead for their 1st 2 days at samford before classes started) and aside from my sorority experience, it is the BEST thing i've done at samford. i had a blast at training preparing to meet the new students, and truely fell in love with this awesome university all over again. it's been great to participate in the traditions that always ring in the start of the new school year. it's been a pure joy to be reunited with my best friends and roommate. but even amidst all the really good things- there is the stress of knowing that i am not at home. it's hard to talk to my little sister who is also my best friend when she's had a terrible day and know that i'm not there to just give her a hug or smooth things over. its hard to realize how different her routine is with me gone. the guilt is always there, and today, it just seems extra strong.
i feel like being at school instead of home is a perfect example of good versus better. it is good for me to be at home. it is good to be present with jessie, my dad, good to be able to help aunt sheri as she is in the midst of her own cancer journey. it is a good thing, not only for me, but for my family. however, it is better to be at school. school is where i am supposed to be. it's clear that God has a plan and purpose for me here. my mom wanted me to finish school at samford and she made that very clear to me. as hard as it is, it is what is best. despite the guilt, the stress, the sometimes pure anguish-it is the best thing for me right now. i'm preparing myself for the future. i'm growing in my relationship with the Lord. i'm establishing proper boundaries within my family relationships. i'm getting to experince and even enjoy the college experience, which is something that i need to do, and i deserve to do. i feel selfish for it sometimes. but i have to remember, i could settle for what is good for me, or i can do what is the best.
i just wish what was the best was a little easier.
i feel like being at school instead of home is a perfect example of good versus better. it is good for me to be at home. it is good to be present with jessie, my dad, good to be able to help aunt sheri as she is in the midst of her own cancer journey. it is a good thing, not only for me, but for my family. however, it is better to be at school. school is where i am supposed to be. it's clear that God has a plan and purpose for me here. my mom wanted me to finish school at samford and she made that very clear to me. as hard as it is, it is what is best. despite the guilt, the stress, the sometimes pure anguish-it is the best thing for me right now. i'm preparing myself for the future. i'm growing in my relationship with the Lord. i'm establishing proper boundaries within my family relationships. i'm getting to experince and even enjoy the college experience, which is something that i need to do, and i deserve to do. i feel selfish for it sometimes. but i have to remember, i could settle for what is good for me, or i can do what is the best.
i just wish what was the best was a little easier.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
so. jealous.
"the pathway is broken,
and the signs are unclear
and I don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to" [ginny owens]
sometimes i feel like the pathway is so broken, and i never really understand why i am in the place that i am. i'd like to say that i am always able to willingly say to the lord "yes lord, because you love me, i'm going to walk through the valley." but...that would be a lie. sometimes, i tend to be drug through the valley just a kickin' and a screamin'. getting ready to go back to school is one of those times when there tends to me more complaining and moaning and groaning than willful, joyful, obedience.
i try really hard to not have pity parties for myself and pull the whole "life's not fair" card. because in all reality, no its not fair that i had to say goodbye to my mom at 19 years old. but, its also not fair that i ever had such a wonderful mother to begin with when so many children don't. as much as i try to resist pity-party-mode, sometimes it just seems inevitable. and...time to go back to school is one of those times. i get so jealous of all of my peers. it's hard when everyone around me is so excited to get back to school- to reunite with friends, to get away from parents that are driving them crazy, to have their freedom back. it just doesn't seem fair that while everyone else its so excited about getting back to school- i'm feeling guilty. it's not fair that there is so much anguish over doing something that i know is the right thing. there is not a doubt in my mind that i am supposed to be at school. in fact, the first thing out of my mama's mouth the last time we truely had a conversation was "i want you to graduate from samford." i KNOW samford is where i need to be, that continueing at school is what is best for me. but at the same time- i feel so guilty about leaving home. i feel such a sense of responsibility to be present for my sister, to help hold my family together. things go so much smoother when i'm home. it's hard to pack up and leave, knowing what things will be like for my sister, and the way that things change so much when i'm gone. i wish i could be present to walk with my aunt and she's battleing her cancer, to help care for my cousin who has become my best bud this summer. i guess it's really arrogant to think that things at home can't run without me, because i know life goes on even when i'm gone. but i also know that life tends to get crazier, more stressful, and that more breakdowns occur when i'm gone.
i'm just thankful for a god who will love me no less if my valley time is filled with complaints and a jealous heart. i'm thankful for a god who will provide for me and my family when we are apart. but most of all, i'm thankful for a god who will walk right alongside me through this valley.
and the signs are unclear
and I don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to" [ginny owens]
sometimes i feel like the pathway is so broken, and i never really understand why i am in the place that i am. i'd like to say that i am always able to willingly say to the lord "yes lord, because you love me, i'm going to walk through the valley." but...that would be a lie. sometimes, i tend to be drug through the valley just a kickin' and a screamin'. getting ready to go back to school is one of those times when there tends to me more complaining and moaning and groaning than willful, joyful, obedience.
i try really hard to not have pity parties for myself and pull the whole "life's not fair" card. because in all reality, no its not fair that i had to say goodbye to my mom at 19 years old. but, its also not fair that i ever had such a wonderful mother to begin with when so many children don't. as much as i try to resist pity-party-mode, sometimes it just seems inevitable. and...time to go back to school is one of those times. i get so jealous of all of my peers. it's hard when everyone around me is so excited to get back to school- to reunite with friends, to get away from parents that are driving them crazy, to have their freedom back. it just doesn't seem fair that while everyone else its so excited about getting back to school- i'm feeling guilty. it's not fair that there is so much anguish over doing something that i know is the right thing. there is not a doubt in my mind that i am supposed to be at school. in fact, the first thing out of my mama's mouth the last time we truely had a conversation was "i want you to graduate from samford." i KNOW samford is where i need to be, that continueing at school is what is best for me. but at the same time- i feel so guilty about leaving home. i feel such a sense of responsibility to be present for my sister, to help hold my family together. things go so much smoother when i'm home. it's hard to pack up and leave, knowing what things will be like for my sister, and the way that things change so much when i'm gone. i wish i could be present to walk with my aunt and she's battleing her cancer, to help care for my cousin who has become my best bud this summer. i guess it's really arrogant to think that things at home can't run without me, because i know life goes on even when i'm gone. but i also know that life tends to get crazier, more stressful, and that more breakdowns occur when i'm gone.
i'm just thankful for a god who will love me no less if my valley time is filled with complaints and a jealous heart. i'm thankful for a god who will provide for me and my family when we are apart. but most of all, i'm thankful for a god who will walk right alongside me through this valley.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
hate
there are very few things that i can say that i honestly hate. i feel like that's a really strong word, and i try to use it with caution. but, I HATE CANCER. i hate everything about it- the way that a perfectly healthy person can be so suddenly overtaken by a disease that steals their health with no warning, no ryhme, no reason. i hate the way that it affects families, on so many levels. i hate the way that it requires treatment- so intense, treatment that robs you of your energy, you appetite, your hair. the way that cancer can make you take a time out from your daily living, from the things that you enjoy- how it can make you put your life on pause, only to be resumed again if you are one of the lucky ones.
i hate cancer.
i hate cancer.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
back to school
i can't believe that summer is almost over for me. i move back to bham on the 22nd, which means the end of summer anxiety is fully kicking in. i can't say that its any easier to be in bham than at home, its just different. i'm nervous about trying to get back into a routine, i HATE (with a passion) packing, and most of all, i'm anxious about leaving my family to be back at school. in the midst of this anxiety however, i've realized just how blessed i am. i have two separate but equally wonderful communities, one at home and one at school- consisting of some of the most wonderful people i know. i absolutly LOVE my family. not just my dad and sister, but also my aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins. things are always interesting, and even in the worst situations, there somehow manages to be laughter. i have an amazing boyfriend, who is also my best friend (besides my sis of course.), and his wonderful family who has definitley gone above and beyond to love and care for me. then, there are my friends and my church family, who have been there through the best and worst. if i only had my community at home, i would still be one of the most fortunate people in the world. but thankfully, i have a community in bham that has loved and cared for me in ways that cannot be expressed. my college years (all 2 of them) have been the hardest years of my life, yet somehow also the most beautiful. i've found friends that i feel like i've known my whole life, shared lots of laughter and fun, with quite a few tears mixed in with amazing sorority sisters, and have found a community of believers that have helped me to grow in my faith despite my crazy circumstances. the transition for home to school is never easy, but i'm so thankful that no matter where i am, i'm never alone.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
heaven stands
i've been so overwhelmed recently with the suffering of my friends. since last friday, three of my friends have had to face major tragedies. vastly different but all tragic and so sad, it's really hit home with me (again) about just how fragile and short life really is. it's also a reminder that you never know what people are going through. i heard a saying once that "everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle." i hope that i always stay aware of other's battles, so that i may minister to them with the sort of love and care that christ intends for us to share.
it's also during times like this that i become so thankful for the hope that i have in christ jesus. a hope that cannot be shaken by the circumstances of this world. i heard the song "your hands" by JJ Heller a few months after mom passed away. i love the truth that this song conveys.
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
Your handsYour hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
i'm thankful that like the song says, regardless of how much our world is shaking, heaven stands. no matter how many pieces we feel like our heart is breaking into, we are still held in the hands of our heavenly father who not only loves us, but knows what is best for us and will bring it to pass, even if we don't understand. I'm also thankful that indeed, one day, all things will be set right. there will be a day with no more death, no more pain, no more hurt- it seems like everyday i long for that day more.
it's also during times like this that i become so thankful for the hope that i have in christ jesus. a hope that cannot be shaken by the circumstances of this world. i heard the song "your hands" by JJ Heller a few months after mom passed away. i love the truth that this song conveys.
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
Your handsYour hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
i'm thankful that like the song says, regardless of how much our world is shaking, heaven stands. no matter how many pieces we feel like our heart is breaking into, we are still held in the hands of our heavenly father who not only loves us, but knows what is best for us and will bring it to pass, even if we don't understand. I'm also thankful that indeed, one day, all things will be set right. there will be a day with no more death, no more pain, no more hurt- it seems like everyday i long for that day more.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
a family of 3
i really like symmetry & order. i guess that's one reason why the perfect little "american dream" family seems so ideal to me. you know, mom, dad, 2 kids, house and yard. a family of 4. it's the perfect number for families- 2 pairs. an even number for rides at six flags, no one rides alone. perfect for booth seating at restaurants. fills up a car nicely, 2 in front 2 in back, no one sits alone. even teams for games. i've always wanted two kids one day, for all of the above mentioned reasons. it just seems so perfect.
we've found a new hobby as a family- tennis. none of us are exceptionally good at it, i'm the worst by far, but it's something we can all do together and we enjoy. as we were playing tonight after church, the thought crossed my mind "man, this sure would be better with a 4th player." and then it hit me- i'm no longer part of the ideal "american dream" family of 4. for the vast majority of my life, i've been part of that magical family of 4. i have few memories of the 3 years when we were a family of 3 before jess came along. but now, we are again a family a 3. someone has to ride in the back of the car alone, someone sits alone on half the booth, we can't form even teams, we can't even play a doubles tennis match. it's recently hit me that families don't always come in 4's, they don't always include a mom and a dad, they aren't always orderly. in fact, sometimes they can be downright messy! i know (and love) some wonderful only children, from families of 3. i know several families of 5. i know several families with only one parent.
my family of 3 has been a little messy at times over the past 8 months. but- i've come to realize that we are no less of a family because there are now three of us instead of 4. the number has changed, the dynamic has changed, but the fact that we are a family has not. its taken some time for me and everyone else to readjust to being a family of 3. it hasn't been easy, it hasn't always been fun, it's even been painful at times. but when it's all said and done, we love each other, we care for each other deeply, and i am still able to say that i have the best family i could ever ask for.
we've found a new hobby as a family- tennis. none of us are exceptionally good at it, i'm the worst by far, but it's something we can all do together and we enjoy. as we were playing tonight after church, the thought crossed my mind "man, this sure would be better with a 4th player." and then it hit me- i'm no longer part of the ideal "american dream" family of 4. for the vast majority of my life, i've been part of that magical family of 4. i have few memories of the 3 years when we were a family of 3 before jess came along. but now, we are again a family a 3. someone has to ride in the back of the car alone, someone sits alone on half the booth, we can't form even teams, we can't even play a doubles tennis match. it's recently hit me that families don't always come in 4's, they don't always include a mom and a dad, they aren't always orderly. in fact, sometimes they can be downright messy! i know (and love) some wonderful only children, from families of 3. i know several families of 5. i know several families with only one parent.
my family of 3 has been a little messy at times over the past 8 months. but- i've come to realize that we are no less of a family because there are now three of us instead of 4. the number has changed, the dynamic has changed, but the fact that we are a family has not. its taken some time for me and everyone else to readjust to being a family of 3. it hasn't been easy, it hasn't always been fun, it's even been painful at times. but when it's all said and done, we love each other, we care for each other deeply, and i am still able to say that i have the best family i could ever ask for.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
more than conquerors
we've had vbs this week at church, and the theme verse is romans 8:37. "in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." so many times in my life i am in situations or surrounded by circumstances that i feel i'll never be able to conqueror. to be honest, i'm there now. it's been 8 months since mom passed away. she has now been gone as long as she was sick. things have gotten better, but still- there are aspects of her absence that i feel i'll never be able to conquer. i miss her more now than i ever have, because i realize that she really is gone. i think about all the things i will do motherless-graduate college, get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, settle into a career, have children...and the longing and pain become so strong that it seems like more than i can conquer. no matter how many "good days" i have, reality is still reality- and its a sucky reality. i wonder if i will ever be able to go through my life and be truly happy without my mama. i wonder if my family will ever be as strong as we once were, or as happy. when the breakdowns come, they come with the overwhelming sense that things will never really be as good as they once were, that at some point everything is going to just come crashing down and completly fall apart. i'll always feel this pain, this void, this longing, this loss. but then, i'm reminded of god's promise that in him, we are more than conquerors. we're not only going to get by or manage, but we are going to be more than conquerors. it is when i begin to neglect my relationship with christ that i begin to feel like i'll always be a prisoner to my grief. however, his word assures me otherwise. thru him that loved us, him who created the universe, him who sent his only son- i can, and will, conquer. weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
jesus in a fortune cookie
i had chinese for dinner, and as usual, i was pretty excited to crack open that fortune cookie and see just what wisdom it would impart. i'm not a very superstitious person, but i find humor in the coincidental truth that a random saying in a fortune cookie can sometimes impart to us. my "fortune" today was... "you will soon witness a miracle." my first thought was well, that's a little late. i thought immediately of the miracle that i, along with so many others were so fervently praying for this time last year. i wanted to see my mama healed from the terrible disease that was slowly taking her life. it was getting to the point where i understood that god was going to have to intervene in a miraculous fashion- but i was praying and expectant that he would do just that. well, he didn't. for a while i was a little bit angry about that, well actually, i was REALLY angry. i didn't witness the miracle that i was hoping for, that i thought i so desperately needed.
i was thinking about my "fortune" when driving home tonight, and the song "miracle in me" popped into my head. i know it wasn't a random coincidence, but instead, god trying to prove a point. these are the lyrics:
"Miracle in Me
To be there when the Savior, Spoke with a great command;
And to witness in a wonder, Of His wonder working hand;
No miracle has caught my eyes, To cause my heart to see;
But by faith I'm led to realize, There's a miracle in me.
And I have never seen the thousands fed,
Or the blind made to see;
I have never watched him raise the dead,
But I know when He lifted me;
It's a wonder right before my eyes, Close enough to see;
In my heart is where this wonder lies, There's a miracle in me.
If we have a faith that's measured, By the smallest mustard seed;
All our mountains will be mastered, By the Master of all our needs;
And if we have a child-like trust, He said, He'll do the greatest things;
He will heal the sick, He will raise up the dead, Be a miracle in me."
you know, i wasn't there to hear jesus speak his greatest commandments. i've yet to see him feed the millions of starving people. i know the most wonderful blind five year old, who has never been able to see, and to date- god has not chosen to gift riley with sight. i've stood over the lifeless body of my precious mother, wondering if somehow, god would raise her like lazarus. and, it didn't happen. however, one day, i knelt in an alter, a sinner, deserving of hell- and i prayed to a God who loved me enough to sacrifice his only, perfect, son to pay the price for my sin that i could never pay on my own. he forgave me on that day- he carried my sins as far as the east is from the west, he came into my heart and allowed me to enter into relationship with him, securing my eternity with him when this life is over in heaven. a miracle? yes! the miracle is indeed in me! not in the healing of a temporary body, not in sight, not even in feeding the hungry, BUT IN ME! it's amazing that sometimes it takes death to make us fully appreciate life. i don't think i've ever appreciated this miracle as much as i do now. i don't know how i could have watched cancer overtake my mom's body and steal her life if i didn't have the hope of her salvation and my own. to know that god saw fit to heal her not in a temporal manner, but in a manner suited for eternity! i have the hope and promise that there is so much more than this life, than the here and the now. i have the promise that the goodbye i said to my mama on october 13th was really just more of a see you later. the old song is true, "no miracle has caught my eye to cause my heart to see, but BY FAITH i'm lead to realize, there's a miracle in me.
thank you jesus, for the lessons you teach me through fortune cookies.
i was thinking about my "fortune" when driving home tonight, and the song "miracle in me" popped into my head. i know it wasn't a random coincidence, but instead, god trying to prove a point. these are the lyrics:
"Miracle in Me
To be there when the Savior, Spoke with a great command;
And to witness in a wonder, Of His wonder working hand;
No miracle has caught my eyes, To cause my heart to see;
But by faith I'm led to realize, There's a miracle in me.
And I have never seen the thousands fed,
Or the blind made to see;
I have never watched him raise the dead,
But I know when He lifted me;
It's a wonder right before my eyes, Close enough to see;
In my heart is where this wonder lies, There's a miracle in me.
If we have a faith that's measured, By the smallest mustard seed;
All our mountains will be mastered, By the Master of all our needs;
And if we have a child-like trust, He said, He'll do the greatest things;
He will heal the sick, He will raise up the dead, Be a miracle in me."
you know, i wasn't there to hear jesus speak his greatest commandments. i've yet to see him feed the millions of starving people. i know the most wonderful blind five year old, who has never been able to see, and to date- god has not chosen to gift riley with sight. i've stood over the lifeless body of my precious mother, wondering if somehow, god would raise her like lazarus. and, it didn't happen. however, one day, i knelt in an alter, a sinner, deserving of hell- and i prayed to a God who loved me enough to sacrifice his only, perfect, son to pay the price for my sin that i could never pay on my own. he forgave me on that day- he carried my sins as far as the east is from the west, he came into my heart and allowed me to enter into relationship with him, securing my eternity with him when this life is over in heaven. a miracle? yes! the miracle is indeed in me! not in the healing of a temporary body, not in sight, not even in feeding the hungry, BUT IN ME! it's amazing that sometimes it takes death to make us fully appreciate life. i don't think i've ever appreciated this miracle as much as i do now. i don't know how i could have watched cancer overtake my mom's body and steal her life if i didn't have the hope of her salvation and my own. to know that god saw fit to heal her not in a temporal manner, but in a manner suited for eternity! i have the hope and promise that there is so much more than this life, than the here and the now. i have the promise that the goodbye i said to my mama on october 13th was really just more of a see you later. the old song is true, "no miracle has caught my eye to cause my heart to see, but BY FAITH i'm lead to realize, there's a miracle in me.
thank you jesus, for the lessons you teach me through fortune cookies.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
the bonds we share...
God's sovreingty is so evident in the way that he can allow such beauty to come from the very worst we experience in this lifetime. when i look back on the last year or so of my life, i cannot help but be completly amazed at the way that God has provided for me. one of the most important ways that he has done this is through relationships. it's evident to me that long before my mom was diagnosed with cancer, god was at work putting people in my pathway to help me through the storm that was to come. i have been priveledged to meet so many wonderful people since mom's illness and death, and all these relationships are the handywork of the creator. some of the most influencial people have been those with whom i share this common bond. one of my now closest friends is someone i've known less than a year! we met in august, after my college minister shared with her the overwhelming number of girls in the college ministry who had parents with cancer. it all started with an email- just one, in which she so beautifully shared her story of losing her dad to cancer and explained the calling she felt to connect with others who had been touched so deeply by cancer. now, someone who was a stranger to me a year ago is one of my best friends, thanks to the love and mercy of a loving God who so diligently provides for His own. we've shared many, many lunch dates since then, lots of late night phone calls, tears, quite a few breakdowns, but also lots of joy and laughter. God also saw fit to provide for me another precious friend who lost her mom. we've been able to share the ups and downs of navigating through our family relationships with dads and a younger sibling, cry over the fears that we'll never be able to happily marry or have children without a mom's help, and countdown the hours until mother's day had come and gone.
i was reminded tonight of God's sovereignty when my freshman year roommate called needing a favor. a friend from high school just lost her mom. "kara, would you mind writing her a letter? i just don't know what to say." i'm a firm believer that to whom much is given, much is required. i know that God placed those two special girls in my life to be an example of how he would use me to minister to others. i've already been blessed with several opportunities, a sorority sister's mom's breast cancer diagnosis, a fellow student who lost her dad, a friend from middle school who lost her mom, and my own aunt's cancer diagnosis. the bond that we share is one we all wish we could avoid, however, it is a strong bond that words cannot describe. our God is a big, big, God, who is painting a masterpiece, our lives, as a huge mural. sometimes, our flesh limits our sight to the wallet sized here and now. sometimes is takes a phone call requesting a letter to bring the big picture, the complete and beautiful picture, back into focus.
i was reminded tonight of God's sovereignty when my freshman year roommate called needing a favor. a friend from high school just lost her mom. "kara, would you mind writing her a letter? i just don't know what to say." i'm a firm believer that to whom much is given, much is required. i know that God placed those two special girls in my life to be an example of how he would use me to minister to others. i've already been blessed with several opportunities, a sorority sister's mom's breast cancer diagnosis, a fellow student who lost her dad, a friend from middle school who lost her mom, and my own aunt's cancer diagnosis. the bond that we share is one we all wish we could avoid, however, it is a strong bond that words cannot describe. our God is a big, big, God, who is painting a masterpiece, our lives, as a huge mural. sometimes, our flesh limits our sight to the wallet sized here and now. sometimes is takes a phone call requesting a letter to bring the big picture, the complete and beautiful picture, back into focus.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
seasons
"to everything there is a season, a time to every purpose under heaven." when i think of seasons, my mind, like most people's, shifts directly to the natural seasons- spring, summer, fall, and winter. these seasons are predicatble, identifiable, natural...we know what to expect and when to expect it. (for the most part, at least!) after a cold winter, we welcome the signs of spring- the flowers begin to bloom, the weather warms, the "april showers bring may flowers." spring turns to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter, winter back to spring, and the cycle repeats, year after year after year. i like these seasons, and i usually welcome the changes and the beauty that each season offers. i'm a person who like order and structure, i like to be able to plan, and so these seasons fit nicely into my way of thinking and organzing the world. the seasons mentioned in ecclesiastes 3 however, can be a little disrupting. seasons of weeping and laughing, mourning and dancing, war and peace, love and hate- they don't order themselves as nicely into my way of thinking. i think it's pretty safe to say that this scripture can either bring great comfort or great distress. when things in our lives are going well, the reminder that the smooth sailing is only temporary, and that surely our laughter will turn to weeping can be flat out depressing! the words of jesus in john 16:33 can have the same effect "in this world, you will have tribulation..." jesus did not say may have it, could have, he said you WILL have tribulation. when things are going well, we are forwarned and should be aware that they will not always stay that way. some call this pessimism, i call it being realistic.
on the flip side however, when you are stuck in the middle of tribulation, when you are mourning, when you are weeping, these scriptures can comfort like none other. the promise that it will not stay this way forever provides the hope necessary to face another day.
i've found in my life that these seasons are not predictable, not orderly, and at times, not even natural. but what i have also found to be true is that god is faithful. he is true to his word and true to his promises. the latter part of john 16:33 says "but be of good cheer; for I have overcome the world." in the midst of the weeping and the mourning, i am constantly encouraged not only by the father's great, great love for me, but also by his promises that this season will not be forever.
on the flip side however, when you are stuck in the middle of tribulation, when you are mourning, when you are weeping, these scriptures can comfort like none other. the promise that it will not stay this way forever provides the hope necessary to face another day.
i've found in my life that these seasons are not predictable, not orderly, and at times, not even natural. but what i have also found to be true is that god is faithful. he is true to his word and true to his promises. the latter part of john 16:33 says "but be of good cheer; for I have overcome the world." in the midst of the weeping and the mourning, i am constantly encouraged not only by the father's great, great love for me, but also by his promises that this season will not be forever.
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