one year

today marks the one year anniversary of mom's death. it seems so very strange that she's been gone for a whole year. there a lot of things i could say about the past year, but really i can just sum it up by saying that its been full of lots of ups and downs, but through them all god has been faithful. i'd be lying if i told you that i'd always trusted god, that i'd always been okay with his plan, or that i've always felt like he was in control or that he wants the best for me. i've not been a perfect christian by any means, there has been a lot of anger, a lot of questioning, some biterness...but he has been so faithful to love me regardless.
i've had this song in my mind all day. it's by steven curtis chapman, on a cd called beauty will rise. he wrote the songs for this cd after his young daughter was killed in an accident. all of the songs have such a powerful message and speak so much truth, but this has been my song for today-
It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning... in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe for you.
Cuz I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning... in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away,
and say, "It's time to make everything new."

i could comment on every single line of this song, i love it. i love how wonderfully it puts into words things that i can't describe. i'm really thankful for the hope that i have in christ, as my pastor said this week "our hope is real, an anchor of the soul, sure and steadfast." there were a lot of times in the beginning that i didn't feel so hopeful. but i can say, that today, one year later, even in the midst of a really hard day and a lot of pain, i'm secure in my hope. in my hope that i'll see my mama again, my hope that god will use this for his glory, my hope of salvation, my hope in god's faithfulness....i could go on and on.
i am really looking foward to the day when i can feel the hand of god wiping all the tears away, when he says "it's time to make all things new."