i've never experienced anything quite as difficult or unpredictable as grief. there were days in the beginning where i literally hurt so badly that i could not get out of bed. there were moments when i would sob uncontrollably. there were moments, and eventually days and then weeks when i could function as if nothing had ever happened. my grief was so intense those first few months after the shock and numbeness wore off. but eventually, like everyone promised, time began to heal. and then there were whole days where i could go without crying. and then weeks, and then recently, a few whole months were i felt really normal and in control of my emotions. like my life had a new sense of normalcy, that was different, but not so bad.
and then, one morning, i woke up and it was october.
i woke up one day, and was fine. and then, i woke up the next, and there was grief, like a heavy cloak hanging over my body, stealing my energy, my ability to focus. the queasy sick feeling, constantly. the heart that felt like it may beat out of my chest at any moment. the whole in my heart that i thought was on the mend, ripped back open. it's crazy how the month on the calendar can be so linked to my emotional well being. but it is.
i can't believe that it is already october, that it will soon have been a year since my mom made that journey from earth to eternity. this time last year, the lord was at work eerily preparing my heart for what was to come. i had conversations with three separate people, in which they all asked "so have you been told your mom's cancer is terminal?" i hadn't been told this, but the lord knew, and he was at work preparing me for what was to come.
this time last year i was having my last phone conversations with mom, which were short and less frequent than i would have prefered, because the cancer was overtaking her body and stealing her life. this time last year i was trying to decide what to do for family weekend, not knowing that it would all be decided for me. i was struggling with whether i needed to be at home or at school, i was quite frankly pretty miserable.
i can't believe its been a year.