Thursday, February 10, 2011

long time, no blog

So I have been really, really, inconsistent in blogging or even journaling latley. But I've also had a lot on my mind latley...

Last Thursday marked two years since we got mom's cancer diagnosis. Two years. That's a long time. It's wierd how the passage of time works. In some ways, that day seems like it was an eternity ago, but in others, it seems like it was only yesterday. It seems like forever ago because so much has changed in two years. Seems like only yesterday because I can replay that conversation with my mama over and over again in my head, I can relive all those emotions, I can remember exactly where I was, what she said, that long walk across campus crying because my life had just been turned upside down. It's strange to me the array of emotions that accompany anniversaries. It seems like there are so many little dates that always manage to stir up emotion like nothing else can. The 2 year anniversary of her diagnosis was one of those emotion stirring days, or really, weeks. I probably sang the Steven Curtis Chapman song Our God is in Control 100 times in my head last week. My favorite verse and mantra for the week-"This is not where we planned to be when we started this journey, but this is where we are and our God is in control. Though this first taste is bitter, there will be sweetness forever when we finally taste and see that our God is in control." I don't think I ever imagined when mama called to tell me that she had cancer that we would lose her 8 short months later. I was faced with her mortality, but I still somehow felt like there was no way God would actually let my mama die. My prayer journal is filled with repeated prayers- please, just don't let my mama die. I knew on Feb 3 2009 that God had started us on a journey, but I sure didn't know what the outcome would be. Where we are today is certainly not where we planned to be. However, our God is in control. He is, He is, He is. No matter how hard it is to believe, or understand, or accept, its the truth, its our hope, its what will turn the bitterness into sweetness.

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