"the pathway is broken,
and the signs are unclear
and I don't know the reason why you brought me here
but just because you love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley If You want me to" [ginny owens]
sometimes i feel like the pathway is so broken, and i never really understand why i am in the place that i am. i'd like to say that i am always able to willingly say to the lord "yes lord, because you love me, i'm going to walk through the valley." but...that would be a lie. sometimes, i tend to be drug through the valley just a kickin' and a screamin'. getting ready to go back to school is one of those times when there tends to me more complaining and moaning and groaning than willful, joyful, obedience.
i try really hard to not have pity parties for myself and pull the whole "life's not fair" card. because in all reality, no its not fair that i had to say goodbye to my mom at 19 years old. but, its also not fair that i ever had such a wonderful mother to begin with when so many children don't. as much as i try to resist pity-party-mode, sometimes it just seems inevitable. and...time to go back to school is one of those times. i get so jealous of all of my peers. it's hard when everyone around me is so excited to get back to school- to reunite with friends, to get away from parents that are driving them crazy, to have their freedom back. it just doesn't seem fair that while everyone else its so excited about getting back to school- i'm feeling guilty. it's not fair that there is so much anguish over doing something that i know is the right thing. there is not a doubt in my mind that i am supposed to be at school. in fact, the first thing out of my mama's mouth the last time we truely had a conversation was "i want you to graduate from samford." i KNOW samford is where i need to be, that continueing at school is what is best for me. but at the same time- i feel so guilty about leaving home. i feel such a sense of responsibility to be present for my sister, to help hold my family together. things go so much smoother when i'm home. it's hard to pack up and leave, knowing what things will be like for my sister, and the way that things change so much when i'm gone. i wish i could be present to walk with my aunt and she's battleing her cancer, to help care for my cousin who has become my best bud this summer. i guess it's really arrogant to think that things at home can't run without me, because i know life goes on even when i'm gone. but i also know that life tends to get crazier, more stressful, and that more breakdowns occur when i'm gone.
i'm just thankful for a god who will love me no less if my valley time is filled with complaints and a jealous heart. i'm thankful for a god who will provide for me and my family when we are apart. but most of all, i'm thankful for a god who will walk right alongside me through this valley.
I told a good friend once that i felt that often times i was just throwing a little trantrum like a five year old dragging my feet in the mud resisting this with everything in me....and she told me Brittany even in your trantrums the Lord thinks you're adorable. And it is so true so pity party mode or not the Lord loves you and thinks youre adorable.
ReplyDeleteI want to say everything is going to be alright, or to give you some overused cliche that won't help in any way.
ReplyDeleteInstead, I'll just say that I know what it's like to feel responsible for events beyond your control. If you try to bear the burden of holding your family together while trying to obtain a higher education, you'll go mad.
You've got to find some balance. you could try to find a way to stay active in your family life while your away, if that will help you to worry less.
I'm sorry that you have to do this, that your in this situation. Life seems random and unfair sometimes. It's a good thing that you know otherwise.