Wednesday, October 13, 2010

one year

today marks the one year anniversary of mom's death. it seems so very strange that she's been gone for a whole year. there a lot of things i could say about the past year, but really i can just sum it up by saying that its been full of lots of ups and downs, but through them all god has been faithful. i'd be lying if i told you that i'd always trusted god, that i'd always been okay with his plan, or that i've always felt like he was in control or that he wants the best for me. i've not been a perfect christian by any means, there has been a lot of anger, a lot of questioning, some biterness...but he has been so faithful to love me regardless.
i've had this song in my mind all day. it's by steven curtis chapman, on a cd called beauty will rise. he wrote the songs for this cd after his young daughter was killed in an accident. all of the songs have such a powerful message and speak so much truth, but this has been my song for today-
It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning... in the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now,
and let the tears come washing down,
and if you can't believe I will believe for you.
Cuz I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see:

Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
and we will dance among the ruins
We will see Him with our own eyes
Out of these ashes... beauty will rise
For we know, joy is coming in the morning... in the morning...

I can hear it in the distance and it's not too far away.
It's the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast.
I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away,
and say, "It's time to make everything new."

i could comment on every single line of this song, i love it. i love how wonderfully it puts into words things that i can't describe. i'm really thankful for the hope that i have in christ, as my pastor said this week "our hope is real, an anchor of the soul, sure and steadfast." there were a lot of times in the beginning that i didn't feel so hopeful. but i can say, that today, one year later, even in the midst of a really hard day and a lot of pain, i'm secure in my hope. in my hope that i'll see my mama again, my hope that god will use this for his glory, my hope of salvation, my hope in god's faithfulness....i could go on and on.
i am really looking foward to the day when i can feel the hand of god wiping all the tears away, when he says "it's time to make all things new."

Thursday, October 7, 2010

just as i am

i had a little meeting with one of my campus ministers this morning. it consisted of a lot of crying, a long and warm embrace, her sharing some truth with me, and a converstaion with the father on my behalf. a lot of our time together in the past year has been spent this way.
yesterday, i had a melt down. out of the blue, nothing to trigger it, just started crying with no end in sight. let myself cry for a little bit, then sent the infamous chocolate text to britt. in less than 2 min, she was in the bed with me, with a whole bag of chocolate. because like any goodgirlfriend, britt knows that chocolate makes EVERYTHING better.
got to have dinner with a precious friend last night. she picked me up, i got in the car and said "its been one of those weeks." she smiled, knowing exactly what i meant, and what i needed.
spent some sweet time tonight sharing my burdened heart with my bible study group, 6 sorority sisters who know my story as well as anyone, but listened as if it were the first time they'd heard it.
i'm so thankful for the people in my life who accept me just as i am. it's not always pretty. quite often, its downright ugly. but i'm blessed to have a network of family, friends, and mentors who have been there for the long haul, who have not only accepted me, but loved me and been there to support me through it all, no matter what state i'm in.
what a beautiful reflection of the love that our father has for us. just as i am- my god loves me, cares for me, and provides for me. i'm not always faithful, or loving toward him, but he is. he lavishes me with his provision and goodness, even when i am too angry or broken to see it.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


i've never experienced anything quite as difficult or unpredictable as grief. there were days in the beginning where i literally hurt so badly that i could not get out of bed. there were moments when i would sob uncontrollably. there were moments, and eventually days and then weeks when i could function as if nothing had ever happened. my grief was so intense those first few months after the shock and numbeness wore off. but eventually, like everyone promised, time began to heal. and then there were whole days where i could go without crying. and then weeks, and then recently, a few whole months were i felt really normal and in control of my emotions. like my life had a new sense of normalcy, that was different, but not so bad.

and then, one morning, i woke up and it was october.
i woke up one day, and was fine. and then, i woke up the next, and there was grief, like a heavy cloak hanging over my body, stealing my energy, my ability to focus. the queasy sick feeling, constantly. the heart that felt like it may beat out of my chest at any moment. the whole in my heart that i thought was on the mend, ripped back open. it's crazy how the month on the calendar can be so linked to my emotional well being. but it is.

i can't believe that it is already october, that it will soon have been a year since my mom made that journey from earth to eternity. this time last year, the lord was at work eerily preparing my heart for what was to come. i had conversations with three separate people, in which they all asked "so have you been told your mom's cancer is terminal?" i hadn't been told this, but the lord knew, and he was at work preparing me for what was to come.
this time last year i was having my last phone conversations with mom, which were short and less frequent than i would have prefered, because the cancer was overtaking her body and stealing her life. this time last year i was trying to decide what to do for family weekend, not knowing that it would all be decided for me. i was struggling with whether i needed to be at home or at school, i was quite frankly pretty miserable.

i can't believe its been a year.